Sunday, September 30, 2007

We forge ahead.

This darkness is different.
Your mind is not thoughtfully racing,
for the intellect prefers no particular nor habitual thought.
Nothing plagues the mind at all.
No dread.
No torment.
No repetitious wandering ever past torments.
Just stillness so to speak.
All one hears is quiet.
The absence of cohesive and directed thought altogether.

What happened to yesterday?
All of the cumulative years of pleasant memories and time's integral lessons
just vanish and disappear by the vehicle of an inaudible whisper.

One feels so bereft.
It is beyond the sensation of personal denial or deprivation.
It is an emptiness that does not despair.
It is a depression that is not sad nor gives up on the notion or virtue of hope.
It is a darkened emptiness one arises to in the renewal of once again another morning.
The dark void is aware of the passage of time and all of the substantially good occasions comprising the mandate of one's existence.
It becomes dust in the wind.
Blown away by the unexpected onset of dark emptiness.

No emotional pain exists in this void, for emotion is irrelevant and non existent.

Where did time go?
Where did the jubilation of life disappear to?
When did the vacancy of enlightenment become preferable, comfortable, and ultimately desirable?

Where is HE?
My beloved.
I go to mass because I long for Him.
But I do not find Him perceptibly and intimately.
I know He is there yet He hides from me.

I feel dullness.
Emptiness of what was once a conception of fulfillment and satiation.
Where is the joy?
It is only mysteriously cloaked in this dark nothingness,
the only vehicle that avails true but imperceptible peace.

I feel still.
No fear.
No anxiety.
No panic.
No trepidation.
No palpable pain of woundedness.
No desire for anything that most would embrace as good.

The culture has lost Him.
They have willfully rejected Him.
The majority embrace the lie.
That is how overshadowing and preeminent the deception is.
How sad that so many shall be lost.

What do we do?
Thank Him for His benevolence.
His mercy.
His justice.
His love.
His mother.
Our Mary.

We are nothing.
Miserable and impotent creatures.
We are a joke.
For we think ourselves to be wise in our own estimation.
And the devil laughs.
For pride blinds us severely.
We do not even know we are truly blind,
or that pride has us in darkness,
cut off from the light of Him.

Do you have a home?
Do you have gainful employment?
Do you have money in the bank?
Do you drive a car?
Do you have decent clothes to wear?
Do you have your health?
Do you have healthy children?

What is your loss?
A broken friendship?
A beloved spouse abandoned you?
A lonely night awaits you day after day?
You question the loyalty of your friends?
You suspect some hidden but valuable meaning is missing or escapes the grind of your life?

Your right.

Most will never know the true weight of the cross.

What happened to the days when the sky was always blue?
The curls of innocence and youth were always blond and tender with curl.
I remember the day you were born.
Fresh and new and smelling so pure.

You spit Gerber squash in my face.
You had 5 cute little stuffed kitties.
Clifford the big red dog was your favorite.
Chuckie Cheese was the boring but regular hangout.
I remember sweet little tears.
I remember the precious but delicate hugs.
I remember the innocent but golden prayers.

Time stands still but for a moment of painful and appreciative reflection.
I do not always pro actively reminisce over days of yesterday.
But I bear the scars.
The burden of a mother's love.
The only love that heals and gains freedom for the captive.
The original warrior who birthed Christ.
Remember Winnie the Pooh?
The pink fur coat?
The rocking horse?
The sweet lips that kiss and say I love you Mommy.
Mommy loves you.
For I have earned that honor.
For the Son of God gave it to me.

Evil can creep in.
Attempting to sever our eternal bond.
But it will not prevail.
Those who misuse their free will answer for it in the end.
Just as we do.
But He loves us.
And I love you.

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